I’ve said for years now the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… really needed a chapter in their to cover grief and the loss of a child… Cause I’ve heard and found out like all many of us have, we are very different when it comes to grieving our Child.. I know the professionals say there are 5 stages of grief, but the thing is A loss of a child puts us on an emotional roller coaster, so for us the stages are bent and twisted together half the time and the other half we are thrown throw the loops of depression and then we find ourselves screaming down the Hills of anger. And to make matters worse, its like moms and dads are on a double track coaster, we are on one you are on the other and we’re going opposite directions…
We seem to never be in a the same stage at the same time and if we do happen to be close it seems like one of us is coming into the stage as the other is leaving and headed into another… This in itself can cause many problems.. Like one might seem to be moving forward in their own grief and the other isn’t.. This can definitely make the other think and actually bring up anger, which can lead to outburst at the other.. resulting in “Whats wrong with you, I’m sitting here and Misery and your over there happy and acting like everything is ok” Followed by ” Well I guess you don’t love our child since your moving on” That can cause a major rift in a relationship… And on the other hand.. same situation, the one moving forward might look back and be depressed cause they feel the other one is so lost, that they feel like they have lost their child physically and their significant other physically, mentally and emotionally and then they feel angered and confused cause they feel like the other is giving up on them and everything around them, so they start feeling alone.. Bad thing is they answer those two questions back in not such a good manner… ” Saying what make you think I’m happy just cause I’m trying to move on a little bit, it’s better than laying in bed crying all the time or just doing nothing” and possible followed by “You’ve given up on everything, even us, Our child died, I didn’t, I’m still here” Well needless to say all the comments back and forth, don’t solve anything except usually causing harsh feelings and resentment…
I mean everyday life has its up and downs for two people to make it through.. Communication is a good start, relying on each other, being there for each other even with your differences… spending time together, laughing together, facing problems head on together and rejoicing together in the good times as well can help you to have a wonderful life together… But, no matter what is said or done being in a relationship or marriage with someone when you lose a child can definitely put a strain on all of that… It can strip down communication to the point you barely say 2 words to each other. It can tear apart the very fabric of your very being as well as your bond with the other person. Thus causing even the littlest of things, bills, money, everyday things of life to become major trouble.. Things you could easily talk about and resolve become huge arguments. And the usually arguments that some people have, become Mountains of anger and resentment, resulting in no communication, growing further apart in life and now also in your grief, like things weren’t bad enough with losing your child. Now after questioning the doubts us parents already deal with when losing our child, we start having doubts, how are we ever going to make it through this, then you think You just can’t. Cause the life you had before isn’t the same. Its different now and adjusting to your “new self” is hard enough on top of adjusting to your “New Life” with your significant other…. Some people are able to do this, and I give them Praise and say that’s wonderful that they could and are!!! But for me and my children’s mom we weren’t able to do it, life got in the way, it got twisted into out grief and tore us apart.. I, in no way say losing Matthew caused us to fail in marriage, We simply couldn’t over come the Big Mountain of life that got between us…
The old saying “It takes two people to make it, but one to break it” Stands true most times, but in the case of losing a child, It simply takes TWO to make it, you just have to be ale to over come barriers and obstacles that come your way… In my case that didn’t happen, We couldn’t make it through together… So if your out their struggling with a loss, try to jump tracks when the other one is passing by, hold on tight when you can, share your grief together, cause there will always be times when you can’t, just let the other person know your there and talk let them know even when you’re in different places in your grief, talk about it. let them know you love them, that you love your child… and yes, MEN don’t be so strong all the time, cry separately and CRY TOGETHER, IT CAN BE VERY HEALING both ways!! But at the least just talk, talk, and TALK some more… Just remember Communication is half the battle of working through your grief together… There is a high rate of divorce after losing a child, But If you can make it work, then make it work!!
Peace, Comfort and Healing,
Here is a poem I wrote a few years back about how I related to grief, which helped inspired this blog…But the real purpose of writing this today was a mom (Carrie) in one of the online groups i’m in inspired this, as she is writing a blog too and was looking for inspiration and Ideas as well, here’s to you Carrie and all the others struggling with life and relationships after a Loss!!!
The Roller Coaster of Grief is a painful ride
Living life without your Child by your side
Riding up the hill alone in the cart
Holding onto their memories, cause you’re apart
Topping the hill, you brake with a smile
Remembering their love you shared for awhile
Racing down the hill, all you want to do is to scream
Hoping to wake up, wishing it was all a bad dream
Life feels out of control and upside down, as you shoot
Through all the turns, twists and around the loop
Up and down the humps and the bumps, as you fly
Your emotions mixed up, all you can do is to cry
As you come toward the gates to make a stop
You gather their memories and smile like you did at the top
Hoping the next ride around, isn’t so bad
Praying and wishing that you won’t feel so sad.
Author JP Vinson