Same loss on Opposite Tracks – Double Roller Coaster of Grief

I’ve said for years now the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… really needed a chapter in their to cover grief and the loss of a child… Cause I’ve heard and found out like all many of us have, we are very different when it comes to grieving our Child.. I know the professionals say there are 5 stages of grief, but the thing is A loss of a child puts us on an emotional roller coaster, so for us the stages are bent and twisted together half the time and the other half we are thrown throw the loops of depression and then we find ourselves screaming down the Hills of anger. And to make matters worse, its like moms and dads are on a double track coaster, we are on one you are on the other and we’re going opposite directions…

We seem to never be in a the same stage at the same time and if we do happen to be close it seems like one of us is coming into the stage as the other is leaving and headed into another… This in itself can cause many problems.. Like one might seem to be moving forward in their own grief and the other isn’t.. This can definitely make the other think and actually bring up anger, which can lead to outburst at the other.. resulting in “Whats wrong with you, I’m sitting here and Misery and your over there happy and acting like everything is ok” Followed by ” Well I guess you don’t love our child since your moving on” That can cause a major rift in a relationship…  And on the other hand.. same situation, the one moving forward might look back and be depressed cause they feel the other one is so lost, that they feel like they have lost their child physically and their significant other physically, mentally and emotionally and then they feel angered and confused cause they feel like the other is giving up on them and everything around them, so they start feeling alone.. Bad thing is they answer those two questions back in not such a good manner… ” Saying what make you think I’m happy just cause I’m trying to move on a little bit, it’s better than laying in bed crying all the time or just doing nothing”  and possible followed by “You’ve given up on everything, even us, Our child died, I didn’t, I’m still here” Well needless to say all the comments back and forth, don’t solve anything except usually causing harsh feelings and resentment…

I mean everyday life has its up and downs for two people to make it through.. Communication is a good start, relying on each other, being there for each other even with your differences… spending time together, laughing together, facing problems head on together and rejoicing together in the good times as well can help you to have a wonderful life together… But, no matter what is said or done being in a relationship or marriage with someone when you lose a child can definitely put a strain on all of that… It can strip down communication to the point you barely say 2 words to each other. It can tear apart the very fabric of your very being as well as your bond with the other person. Thus causing even the littlest of things, bills, money, everyday things of life to become major trouble.. Things you could easily talk about and resolve become huge arguments. And the usually arguments that some people have, become Mountains of anger and resentment, resulting in no communication, growing further apart in life and now also in your grief, like things weren’t bad enough with losing your child. Now after questioning the doubts us parents already deal with when losing our child, we start having doubts, how are we ever going to make it through this, then you think You just can’t. Cause the life you had before isn’t  the same. Its different now and adjusting to your “new self” is hard enough on top of adjusting to your “New Life” with your significant other…. Some people are able to do this, and I give them Praise and say that’s wonderful that they could and are!!! But for me and my children’s mom we weren’t able to do it, life got in the way, it got twisted into out grief and tore us apart.. I, in no way say losing Matthew caused us to fail in marriage, We simply couldn’t over come the Big Mountain of life that got between us…

The old saying “It takes two people to make it, but one to break it” Stands true most times, but in the case of losing a child, It simply takes TWO to make it, you just have to be ale to over come barriers and obstacles that come your way… In my case that didn’t happen, We couldn’t make it through together… So if your out their struggling with a loss, try to jump tracks when the other one is passing by, hold on tight when you can, share your grief together, cause there will always be times when you can’t, just let the other person know your there and talk let them know even when you’re in different places in your grief, talk about it. let them know you love them, that you love your child… and yes, MEN don’t be so strong all the time, cry separately and CRY TOGETHER, IT CAN BE VERY HEALING both ways!! But at the least just talk, talk, and TALK some more… Just remember Communication is half the battle of working through your grief together… There is a high rate of divorce after losing a child, But If you can make it work, then make it work!!

Peace, Comfort and Healing,

James

 

Here is a poem I wrote a few years back about how I related to grief, which helped inspired this blog…But the real purpose of writing this today was  a mom (Carrie) in one of the online groups i’m in inspired this, as she is writing a blog too and was looking for inspiration and Ideas as well, here’s to you Carrie and all the others struggling with life and relationships after a Loss!!!

Grief’s Ride

The Roller Coaster of Grief is a painful ride

Living life without your Child by your side

Riding up the hill alone in the cart

Holding onto their memories, cause you’re apart

Topping the hill, you brake with a smile

Remembering their love you shared for awhile

Racing down the hill, all you want to do is to scream

Hoping to wake up, wishing it was all a bad dream

Life feels out of control and upside down, as you shoot

Through all the turns, twists and around the loop

Up and down the humps and the bumps, as you fly

Your emotions mixed up, all you can do is to cry

As you come toward the gates to make a stop

You gather their memories and smile like you did at the top

Hoping the next ride around, isn’t so bad

Praying and wishing that you won’t feel so sad.

Author JP Vinson

Heart Jumped Out and About Puked

Wasn’t sure how to start this post cause I know there are parents out their that have had a loss and had no other children, and those that have had children then suffered a loss, But for me I suffered a loss and then had one more child after. Due to this I have been very overprotective of my second child. I’m sure that anyone who has had a loss has become overprotective of your pregnancy and any other children you might of had before or after your loss. My first son Matthew had an accident climbing out of his crib which caused his death, so naturally as silly as some may look at it, cause what are the odds, Kaden my second son never slept in a crib,  Ever! And yes deep down, I worry to no end about him! But I also don’t stop him from trying new things and wanting to have fun, yeah there are things I absolutely say No too, but I let him be a kid…

Anyway, on Saturday my fiance and I took Kaden to the store while we were out running errands and for Easter got him a bicycle for our house, he helped to pick it out and was so excited. He had a bike at his mom’s house but I hadn’t got him one yet, so I wasn’t sure how well he could ride. Well I knew how much I was a terror on a bike and remembered all the stupid crap I had done, So worrying about him and what I had done, Naturally he was getting a bike helmet… Plus I had always remember what had happened to a friend of mines brother many years ago when he got hit by a car while riding his bike. Thank God he lived, but what they poor boy had to go though and how different he was after, could have been different they said…. if only he had been wearing a helmet. So we get home, I tighten up anything thing that the store might have missed, checked it over and he was good to go.. So him and I made our way to the park, I was walking and he was go about at his pace close by.. everytime we saw a car he got off the bike and pulled him and his bike over into the grass. The street we live on doesn’t have a sidewalk, but its pretty quiet and not very many cars come through… But he was being very safe, which was great, that he was listening when he was told about being safe while riding.. So we get to the park. Misty, My fiance had changed clothes, got her bike and she met up with us just a few minutes after we got there.. Then her mom came by with her bike. So all three of them rode around making a lil race out of it.. Kaden was so thrilled and they all had so much fun… Everything went great with no problem, he really was good at riding his bike.

We decided to take a break and go over to the swings and relax a bit.. Well Kaden, Misty and her sister and gone to the park the day before and while Kaden was swinging a lil bit he kinda went butt first right out of the swing and fell, Not hard or anything, but enough to startle him from what I got out of hearing about it… Kaden started to take his helmet off, and with Misty being a protective, caring and loving parent herself, said hey Kaden after what happened yesterday why don’t you keep your helmet on, he kinda snickered and said good Idea Misty, LOL. We were there for a while and everything was going great, we were laughing and having fun, he wanted to be swung just a little higher. Now after being told to hold on good and telling him to get his butt up in the seat more several times, Time stopped, my heart jumped out of my chest, on that last swing down, out come his butt, hands let go… He hit the ground with a Thundering CRACK sound. I had just been sitting in the swing next time him, next thing I knew I was on the ground next to him, then Misty was right there in flash, right about the same time he started to cry, we told him to hold still, let us look at you and check you over. With Misty being a nurse, I knew she would know he if was ok or not… Of course he kept trying to get up.. he was moving and not screaming out in pain that anything hurt.. As she held his head and neck I removed his helmet slowly and apparently said very loudly OH MY GOD. I guess that was about the time Misty really went from a very worried and concerned mother to that and also Wonder Nurse, cause when I said that, she told me she was looking and waiting to see were the blood was coming from and was ready to take action.. Only there wasn’t any blood and he was still trying to get up… we slowly got him up after checking him out.. he had stopped crying  and went to a Iil scared whimper… that’s when I showed her the helmet. the cracking sound had come from his helmet.. there’s a chunk of it that is now broke off of it only still connected by the chin strap..  After sitting for a bit  holding Kaden, Misty at this time points out to me, are you ok cause your white as a sheet, I Informed her, that’s probably cause I feel like Puking now! After I had a chance to calm down myself and my heart felt like it was beating again, I felt so sick to my stomach from such shock of OH GOD is he OK? Misty thank God, has never had to go through the loss of a child, but worrying so much about her own and some of the things her oldest child put her through, she always said her biggest goal was to keep her alive. Lets just say, she kept Misty on her toes 24/7 with the problems and things her oldest was dealing with…  I say this part, cause afterwards we were sitting there, and she just looked like her mind was lost deep in thought, I said hey are you ok… She said, I can’t really imagine what you went through with losing Matthew, But she said, this has really made me think again how short life really can be and how quickly something bad can happen to somebody. We have hugged him, her girls and each other a little harder since then… her being a nurse, she can handle intense situations, gross and unnatural things, so I’m not sure if she felt like puking. But I do know her heart jumped out of her as well that day!!   So moms and dads out there, love your children, tell them everyday, show them everyday, life is short and as most of us in the child loss area know, anything unfortunately can happen to them in the blink of an eye!

Week 3 – “Movies/TV” When the subject of infant/pregnancy loss comes up on TV or in a movie, how do you react? Yep, I’m behind again.. LOL
For a while any show or movie that I would watch I’d get really emotional and upset, I would turn it off or hit record so I could go back later fast forward past that point, sometimes it would involve the rest of it and Id just delete it all, It didn’t matter age or reason involving the child, I just couldn’t stand to watch.. But over the years I’ve been able watch things, sometimes stopping at first then continuing… one movie I watched that was pretty good, got to me in a few parts, but was still a good movie, Im kinda glad they somewhat addressed the issue, that not every pregnancy happens like normal, “what to expect when expecting movie” had a miscarriage in it.. In a way it got the word out that loss does happen and it affects parents… The other day I watched a movie my Fiance told me about that she watched on Netflix, when she couldn’t sleep and I was out like a light, LOL…. If you can stand to watch it, it’s called “Johnny” about a family that suffers a loss, but Johnny comes into their lives. The thing is Johnny has leukemia… I wont tell you the rest just in case you want to watch it, But I will say, I cried so many times throughout the movie, it was hard to watch, but the story was so inspiring in it’s own message, I couldn’t stop watching… I think it will always be hard to take in, watching a show or movie that deals with a loss in it, not many other people “Get It” but for us even being Television or Movies, as we know…. this is real life, it does happen!!!! So if shows continue to have story lines or even just parts in it that show a loss, as hard as it is… it is a subject that needs to be addressed, talked about and the general public needs to be educated that loss does happen.. things might possibly be easier on us parents if more people knew what to say and what not to say, or do or not to do… every little bit might help.. Just saying.. O:)

“Movies/TV” When the subject of infant/pregnancy loss comes up on TV or in a movie, how do you react?

This is from a support group im in, and thought it worth sharing on my blog for others to read….Week 3 – “Movies/TV” When the subject of infant/pregnancy loss comes up on TV or in a movie, how do you react?

Week 3 – “Movies/TV” When the subject of infant/pregnancy loss comes up on TV or in a movie, how do you react?
For a while any show or movie that I would watch I’d get really emotional and upset, I would turn it off or hit record so I could go back later fast forward past that point, sometimes it would involve the rest of it and Id just delete it all, It didn’t matter age or reason involving the child, I just couldn’t stand to watch.. But over the years I’ve been able watch things, sometimes stopping at first then continuing… one movie I watched that was pretty good, got to me in a few parts, but was still a good movie, Im kinda glad they somewhat addressed the issue, that not every pregnancy happens like normal, “what to expect when expecting movie” had a miscarriage in it.. In a way it got the word out that loss does happen and it affects parents… The other day I watched a movie my Fiance told me about that she watched on Netflix, when she couldn’t sleep and I was out like a light, LOL…. If you can stand to watch it, it’s called “Johnny” about a family that suffers a loss, but Johnny comes into their lives. The thing is Johnny has leukemia… I wont tell you the rest just in case you want to watch it, But I will say, I cried so many times throughout the movie, it was hard to watch, but the story was so inspiring in it’s own message, I couldn’t stop watching… I think it will always be hard to take in, watching a show or movie that deals with a loss in it, not many other people “Get It” but for us even being Television or Movies, as we know…. this is real life, it does happen!!!! So if shows continue to have story lines or even just parts in it that show a loss, as hard as it is… it is a subject that needs to be addressed, talked about and the general public needs to be educated that loss does happen.. things might possibly be easier on us parents if more people knew what to say and what not to say, or do or not to do… every little bit might help.. Just saying.. O:)

James Vinson

Another Christmas without You

Well Christmas has come and gone again, and its been the 9th Christmas without you Matthew.  I completely enjoyed spending time with Family and getting to watch your baby brother Kaden and my family to be, open all their presents. I loved  hearing the laughter and seeing all the smiles and cheer of happiness and eating the wonderful food too. My heart and soul was filled with delight. We took Kaden, Kendra and Kelsey to the water park (coco keys) in Cincinnati and had a wonderful time… But through it all, no matter how happy I was, my heart still had sadness in it. An ache of emptiness, even though I wasn’t alone. Even after all the years, the pain in my heart, my soul still hurts as fresh as the day you left us. Time has not healed this wound, this hole in my heart and soul, but rather gave me ability to handle each day better than before. The holidays and your Birthday, angel day and special occasions are rougher then  most days, and I have been able to hold back the tears more, at least on the outside more than I have, but the tears on the inside fall each day.. A scene in a movie, a song or something that triggers a memory always brings tears, good and bad! Today I was busy with Doctors and trying to return and exchange things and did ok, but now that I’m alone and its night time,  I’m plagued with an overwhelming sadness and Its hard to stop the tears. Its bittersweet like it has been the last nine years, but as long and winding and twisted this road of grief is, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just going to take a life time to get to it. I move forward, because I know I should, I move forward to reach others in need in your memory and I celebrate your life, therefore, I celebrate the life I have still. So I move forward to live like you were still here, even if its only in my heart. I move forward cause I know you would want me to be happy. I am what I am today because of God and from what I’ve been through and still going through… Not just grief, BUT LIFE!! So I love, I laugh and I smile and I work through the tears, sadness and pain.. Simply cause life isn’t perfect and it isn’t always easy, It has its ups and downs, but Its what we do with it and and its what we make of it.. So I chose to live a full life, loving, caring, exploring, enjoying and being the best of what I can be, and who I can be and what I can be to others and somebody very special! I love and miss you Matthew Hunter.. You live in me and Ill carry you always through this pain filled, yet enjoyable and beautiful life!!

These candles go out to all those who have lost children, especially the families in CT

These candles go out to all those who have lost children, especially the families in CT

Tonight I light these candles in memory of my son Matthew, all the families Ive met in one way or another over the years for their lil angels and with an even more saddened heart for the families suffering the loss of their precious children in CT, I send this light out to them to help comfort them and lighten the path on their grief journey they have now been set upon, let it show they are not alone and we are here with and for them!!! My heart goes out to you all!

Thinking of those in CT and their families suffering the terrible loss of their child, please pray!!!

As I sat in church service this morning, It was hard to enjoy the praises and hear about the blessings everyone had been bestowed upon them this last week, cause My heart has been aching for days thinking about all the dear families that have had to join the Grief journey that we are on… I teared up frequently..Since our pastor had foot surgery he was unable to give a sermon this morning, but to my surprise a young man around 20 came to the front.. As he started I listened, he went on to talk about things, and dealings in his own life.. But basically the point to the sermon, was keeping faith, building relationship with God, and knowing God is there all the time even when you struggle and fail sometimes and even when bad things happen, HE is still there! Then this emotion fell upon me, this feeling, I found myself up front on my knees, I felt a few hands on me, the pastor prayed, others we praying… to be better people, to give us all the strength to reach out to others in need,  then I prayed.. I know that God wants me to reach out to others and start a local support group Im trying to get started, So I prayed He would continue to give me the words, the strength and courage to speak and reach out to others cause having felt the grief, the sadness, the hurt, my own struggle with my faith after losing Matthew, that now I know these families and many other are facing, I just prayed that God in some way, could give them comfort I felt, take the Darkness in their life now, and somehow, let them know HE is there with them like he did to me and that through the darkness there is light, to take that hate and hurt they have and ease it back into love and peace, cause in any lose of a child, especially a tragedy like this, its easy to lose ourselves… I know myself, that Friday when I first heard, I was in shock, in disbelief that something like this happened again, I was so saddened and hurting for them… the Yesterday I woke and that sadness for them started to turn toward anger, then I remembered my own anger I had before… So today I prayed that they can have peace and comfort, I prayed that families like ours could reach out to them in some way,,, Cause individually its easy to fall apart, to lose ourselves even more, to turn toward anger, to lose hope… But together we can stand when we have no strength left, we can heal, through the tears and pain, together we can travel that road, that no one wants to be on a little easier knowing we are not alone! I pray that those who can help them can reach them in this time of need and beyond… I pray for all 27 of them, cause even the adults are somebodies child… Ill be lighting a candle for Matthew, your  lil angels and the new angels tonight!! God Bless you all, may you all find comfort and peace through your journeys!!!